A Royal Flush
The episode “A Royal Flush” is the most edited episode in Only Fools history. At the time the episode was produced, various issues meant that the episode was left without a laughter track and was rushed in the editing to get the episode ready for Christmas. The result was that the original 1986 version was disliked by many, prompting the BBC to allow a re-edit of the episode.
This re-edited version is known as the “2004 version”. So there are two versions of this episode, the original 1986 broadcast version, and the 2004 version. The 2004 version is now the “official” version. The 1986 version has been disregarded and is not issued on commercial releases or broadcast on TV. Note TV broadcasts used the original 1986 version until around 2007.
There are many cuts on the DVD release, many, so this page is very long. If you would like to get a copy of the original 1986 version, you can find it included in the Only Fools and Horses magazine collection DVD, or the VHS release of the episode. The magazine collection DVD was produced prior to the re-edit so still includes the 1986 version. This DVD (and the VHS) are out of print, but you might find a copy on Ebay if you are lucky! The USA version (at time of writing) of the OFAH box set also includes the original 1986 version.
Due to the amount of cuts, I have only included the actual cut lines. If you see a “…” it means there are lines between the missing lines which are not cut.
2021 UPDATE: The BBC has released A Royal Flush on Blu Ray disc. This restored edition has both the original 1986 cut and 2004 cut of the episode together in the set.
The first cut to occur in “A Royal Flush” occurs only two minutes into the episode.
In the market place scene, a punter tells Dell “You could of printed them yourself”, Dell then replies with the line “Do me a favor, Pal. Do I look like Rupert Maxwell”. In the original version, this conversation continues, but in the cut version it ends and we see a shot of Vicky instead. This cut has resulted in the following lines being lost:
Del: “God, Some people.“
Punter: “There are two Ms in recommended.“
Del: “That is because they’re printed in Indonesia, aint they?, That’s the Indonesian spelling. They can’t spell that there, can they, you plonker!”
Del then turns away from the Punter and talks to the crowd.
Del: “No, Listen to me, I’m not going to ask you for 42 pounds, 99. I Wouldn’t dream of it. I haven’t come here to stripe you. I’m not even going to ask you for a score. Now listen, if I said, if I said to you, give me a tenner, You’d think you were on a right result, wouldn’t you? But I’m not going to ask you for a tenner.“
The DVD version then starts here again with the shot of Vicky. Del can be heard in the background saying the line “Before I tell you how much I want….”.
This scene then continues uncut until Del boys line “What do you mean no!”. The DVD is then cut again and Del Boys argument with the punter is cut. The following lines are lost:
Del: “Come on, do me a favor. Look, take it away from me before it hurts. Look, what do you want, jam on it?.“
Punter: “They can’t be top quality, They’re too cheap.“
Del: “What? How can it be too cheap, you plonker?“
Punter: “Here, listen, I’m not a plonker.“
Del: “No? What are you doing then? An impression?“
The DVD then starts here with a shot of Rodney moving towards Vicky. The punter can be heard in the background saying “I bet we don’t get any guarantees with them”, Del is also heard with his response, “Yes you do get a guarantee with them”.
In the original, After this background line another shot is shown of Del and the Punter while Rodney is moving. This is removed from the DVD with the loss of the following line:
Del: “I’ll guarantee that you get a smack in the mooey in a minute, me old cocker, if you don’t move on.“
The scene then continues as normal until Del starts to have a conversation with Trigger after he asks to buy a set of the spoons. At the end of this conversation, Del’s last line has been cut from the DVD. After the line “I don’t believe him.” The following line has been cut:
Del: “All right, Trig, you stay here. I’m gonna go and give Miss Dianna a bell!“
The scene then continues uncut until Dell sees the police. After he sees the police coming in both directions the following has been cut:
Del: “I’m Surrounded, Now I know how General Custer felt.“
Trigger and Dell then start trying to fool the police officer.
The line from Trigger “BIG RED BUS” has been removed.
The scene then follows the original up until the point when Rodney is getting into Vicky’s car. The DVD has been cut and does not show the car driving away, it is also missing the start of the Sid’s cafe scene, This results in the following be lost:
Rodney: “Look, there’s a McDonald’s around the corner!“
Original start of cafe scene:
The following has been lost:
Sid: “Egg and chips, egg, sausage, and chips, egg, sausage, beans, and chips.“
Rodney and Vicky then sit down. The following lines have been cut from their conversation:
Vicky: “Is this…the bubble and squeak?“
Rodney: “yeah, yeah that’s the bubble.“
Vicky: “What is it, actually?“
Rodney: “It’s sort of, um… greens and potatoes and then you sort of mix it all up and fry it.“
Vicky: “Mm!, It’s absolutely munchy!“
in the background a man can be heard moaning to sid.
Man in background: “Oi, this machines broke again sid!“
Sid: “If you would not keep tilting the sodding thing it wouldn’t break, would it?…. Burger, chips and peas!“
In the conversation about art galleries, Vicky’s line “Oh I see” has been cut before the line “How frightfully Albert Square”.
Further into their conversation, Another line is also cut:
Vicky “The first time I left there was when I was eleven, and that was only to go to Roedean. Then I went to a Swiss finishing school. Mine was a very insular existence.“
Vicky then explains that she made art her life.
A single line here has been removed:
Vicky: “I suppose that’s why I like it around here. It must be the artist in me.“
In the next scene, Rodney is seen reading a book when Del and uncle Albert enter the room. The following lines have been cut:
Del: “I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it. While I’ve been down at the local market getting the tug from the local gendarmerie this dipstick’s been sitting here, reading the book about jetes!“
Later in the scene, the following is cut after the line “Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.”
Del: “I think I know what all this is about.“
Uncle Albert’s line “Do me a favor” after the line “They can’t do better than that.” is also removed.
After Rodney’s line “I don’t want to get married the following has been cut:
Del: “listen to me you dipstick.“
…
Del: “Don’t give me all that Tony Benn cobblers!“
…
Uncle Albert: “What’s on?“
Rodney: “An opera!“
Uncle Albert: “No. I mean, What opera?“
Rodney: “Oh, I don’t know!“
In the next scene, Rodney and Vicky are in the car on the way to the Opera. After Rodney’s line “I have, let’s just say contacts.”, A shot of the drivers eyes in the mirror is cut. The following lines are also cut:
Vicky: “They must have cost the earth.“
Rodney: “I didn’t ask. I just told my man, Get them.“
In the scene where Rodney and Vicky enter the opera house, the following lines have been removed.
The first line is removed when Rodney is giving the tickets to the ticket man. In the original, Rodney freezes and the ticket man has to repeat himself. The following lines has been lost:
Rodney: “Oh“
Ticket man: “I said, Have a nice evening, sir.“
…
Vicky: “Are you all right?“
Rodney: “I’m fine.“
When Rodney orders the programme, He originally acted as the woman had misheard him. Two lines have been cut:
Rodney: “No, Two Programmes.“
Woman: “They’re four pounds each, sir.“
Rodney: “Oh, well then.“
Woman: “Ta.“
In the bar scene, the following has been cut:
When Rodney questions Del on why he is there, the line:
Del: “After all I’ve done for you!“
Has been cut before the line “There were four tickets up for grabs!”
Shorty after this line, the following has been cut:
Rodney: “You ain’t ever been to an opera in your life.“
Del: “I’ve never milked a cow in my life, but I still like a bit of cheese, don’t I?“
…..
After Julie explains that her daughter used to go out with Rodney, The following line is cut:
Julie: “She’s living with a Cypriot geezer now.“
Rodney: “Terrific“
….
Julie: “You came around that night, Del, remember? well, you’d just delivered the telly, hadn’t you?“
Del: “Yeah. It just needed a little bit of adjustment, that was all.“
….
Del: Eh?
Vicky: “It isn’t from Carmen. It’s from The Barber of Seville.“
Rodney: “Yeah. yeah. that’s right actually. It is definitely The Barber of Seville, that one, Del.“
After the bell sounds, the following has been cut:
Rodney: “Yeah, we just thought there might be time for a quick one.“
Vicky: “I don’t think so.“
….
Julie: “Here, Del. how come she’s got a programme and I ain’t?“
Del: “She can read!“
Julie: “Oh“
In the opera scene, various parts have been removed.
Julie: “I like Vince Hill.“
Del: “Well, yeah, I like Vince Hill. Yeah. He’s almost culture. Not quite, you know, but almost.“
….
Del continues to make noise causing an audience member to grunt.
Del: “Is he having a pop at me, or what?“
Rodney: “No, he ain’t. Just be quiet.“
When Del asks Vicky if she wants a sweet, he says her name twice, originally he only said it once.
Del and Julie then begin to eat a packet of crisps each. This part of the scene has been completely removed apart from the packet noises. The following lines has been cut:
Del: “Rodney?“
Rodney: “What?“
Del: “Want a crisp?“
Rodney: “No.“
Del: “Vicky?“
At this point Del is moaned at by a man in the audience.
Man: “shush.“
Del: “Don’t you shush me, pal!“
Rodney: “Del Please!“
Del: “Well, Vicky!, Vicky?“
Vicky: “Yes.“
Del: “Fancy a crisp?“
Vicky: “No, thank you.“
Del: “Rodney“
Rodney: “What?“
Del: “Put your arm around her shoulder.“
Rodney: “Hey?“
Del: “Put your arm around her.“
Rodney: “Del, this is not the Odeon!“
The man in the audience then Shushes Del again.
Rodney: “Sorry.“
Del: “Don’t you sorry him!, You just keep on pal and see what you get!”
Rubbish is seen being thrown on the floor.
Del: “You’ve had all of them!“
Julie: “No I ain’t. You had some.“
….
In the cut version, Del is seen returning to his seat after getting some ice cream without any arguments with the audience. In the original, Del argues with them.
The following lines are cut:
Del: “Rodders?“
Man in audience: “Will you please be quiet!“
Del: “I can’t find my place. Rodney!“
Julie is then see getting up in both versions to get Del’s attention. Lines are still cut between Del and the Audience.
Man: “For God’s sake, how long must we put up with this?“
Del: “I didn’t know there was a carton on the floor!, What did you drop it on the floor for?“
Julie: “How was I to know you would tread on it?“
Women: “Are you going to continue making this noise throughout the entire performance?“
Del (In posh voice): “I don’t know, I might let off in the second half!“
Rodney: “Del, will you please just sit down?“
Women: “I’m trying to listen!“
Del: “Well, why don’t you shut up, then?“
Man: “Will you please be quiet?“
Del: “I shall come down there and smack you in the eye in the minute john!“
Rodney: “Del, just take it easy, eh?“
Del: “Yeah, well, they’re giving me the right hump, Rodney.“
….
After Rodney refuses the ice cream, the following is cut.
Del: “Thank you brov, thank you very much“
Ice cream is seen being thrown on the floor, a shot of the performers is then shown.
Del: “I love this one.“
Del then begins to whistle.
Rodney: “Shh, Rodney, I’m whistling!“
Julie is then seen feeling ill.
The DVD then starts again at the scene where Rodney and Vicky leave the opera.
The following lines are cut from the scenes outside the opera as Rodney gets in the car:
Del: “Now you just look after her if you’re seeing her back to her flat tonight.“
Rodney: “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?“
Del: “Listen to me, Rodney. The last thing we need at this delicate stage of development is for you to go tubbing her!….Especially after we’ve made such a good impression tonight.“
Rodney: “A good impression?“
Del: “Well, we was all right up until Julie’s psychedelic yodel!“
Rodney: “Just get away from me, Del, will you? Just leave me alone.“
The last line of the scene is also cut after the car drives off:
Del: “I mean, you’ve only got yourself to blame, Julie. Cor, after what you’ve been shoving down your gullet tonight. I mean, Benedictines and lemonade…“
The next scene occurs in the clothing shop. The first cut in this scene occurs when the shop keeper is on the phone to “Sir Alan”. Strangely “No, No” has been cut from the phone call. Uncle Albert’s line has also been cut:
Uncle Albert: “Don’t you worry Rodney, By the time he’s finished with you, you’ll look just like one of them!“
Rodney: “That’s what I’m frightened off.“
In the next scene, we see the shooting party at Vikki’s estate, but lines have also been cut from this sequence. After the line “I was rather pleased with that myself Patterson.” The following has been cut:
Charles: “Pure luck, Henry, Pure luck!“
Henry: “Ah, thank you, Charles. I thought you’d clear up the mystery. Go on. Let’s see if you can do better.“
Charles: “Now, stand back, old boy, and watch a real marksman!, PULL!“
Rodney: “Good shot sir.“
Further into the scene small shots are cut showing Rodney moving strangely.
Further cuts occur in the tent scene after the line “No need, no need, sir. I have my own weapon.” This results in the following lines being lost:
Del: “Albert, Would you mind?“
Uncle Albert: “Albert, would you mind. He couldn’t care bloody less whether I minded or not! Fight for your country, go down in shark-infested seas and what thanks do you get? I tell you, no thanks, even from your own relatives. They turn you into a gun wallah! here you are, and don’t ask for nothing else.“
Del: “Thank you my good man. you may retire.“
Uncle Albert: “I thought I’d done that bloody ages ago!“
Del: “He’s been with us for years. It’s a bit like the income tax.“
After the shooting scene and Del’s explanation of where he got the gun a few cuts occur. In the original, Del says Iggie Iggins name twice, on the DVD he only says it once. At the end of this scene, the following is cut:
Del: “Right. Any smoked-salmon sandwiches there, pal? All right?“
In the next scene, we see Rodney and Del coming down the stairs, the following has been cut from this scene after the line “Nothing. I’m just going to help you make a good impression.”
Del: “That’s all.“
Rodney: “I do not want to make a bloody impression!“
Del: “You will make an impression tonight and you can cut that language out for a start“
….
Del: “Cor! Look at the lungs on that! All right come on then!“
….
Cuts are also made in the conversation between Del and Henry.
Del: “Have you seen that cartoon of his? Laugh” My old ribs ached for days. Of course, he did the old Mona Lisa as well you know?“
Henry: “Ah really?“
Del: “She’s the one with… you know, she’s got the energetic smile. You know you can’t tell whether she’s about to grin or whether she’s sucking a sweet. That one.“
After Dell says he has seen worse, the following is cut:
Henry: “It’s by Camille Pissarro, a 19th-century impressionist.“
Del: “Ah what like Yarwood?“
Henry: “Yeah, just like Mike Yarwood.“
Del: “What, and he did a bit of painting an’ all?“
Henry: “Yes.“
Del: “Marvelous isn’t it. You learn something new every day, don’t you?“
Henry: “Do you? Good evening, Philip…“
Dell: “I tell you….“
….
Parts of uncle Albert’s conversation with the kitchen worker (Mrs Miles) have also been cut. The following lines have been removed:
Uncle Albert: “I’ve been ’round the world more times than a satellite.“
Kitchen worker: “I expect it brings back too many memories?“
Uncle Albert: “Yeah, your right.“
….
Kitchen worker: “Tell Mr. Patterson. He might be able to discreetly suggest that the gentleman moderates his drinking.“
Uncle Albert: “Anyway, as I was saying, I never talk about it.“
Waiter: “Never talk about what?“
Uncle Albert: “About my days in the navy, all the battles and everything. But on this particular day in the south china sea the old captain came to us and said…“
Mr Patterson: “Are we nearly ready to serve, Mrs Miles?“
Kitchen worker: “Ready when you are, Mr Patterson.“
Mr Patterson: “Good, I want to get Leonardo Da Vinci’s best friend sat down before he falls down. He’s some relation of yours, Isn’t he?“
Uncle Albert: “Who, Leonardo Da Vinci?“
Mr Patterson: “No, no, no. The gentleman outside who thinks the stuffed olives are pickled grapes?“
Uncle Albert: “Yeah, yeah, sort of.“
Mr Patterson: “Is he an ex-navy man as well, Albert?“
Uncle Albert: “Him, You must be joking. He thinks a clippers something you do your hair with! No, I’m the only one in our family who ever went to sea. I tell a lie. My grandmother’s brother was safety officer on the Titanic. Yeah, but I never talk about it.“
The beginning of the dinner scene has been moved to after the scene where Del and Rodney argue over Del drinking too much. The following has been cut off the end of the clip:
Henry: “It’s just a phase, if you know what I’m saying.“
Man is background: “Yeah, Right.” (In a different conversation)
The clip of the waiter putting his foot in the peas has been removed.
After Del and Rodney argue about Del enjoying himself, the following has been cut:
Del: “Hold her hand.“
Rodney: “What.“
Del: “Hold her hand.“
Rodney: “Shut up.“
….
When Del is telling the woman sitting next to him about Rodney and Vicky getting engaged. The following is cut before the line “Keep it under your tiara!”:
Del: “That’s the ugly one over there in the white.“
Dell moving his finger around the edge of his glass, causing everyone to look up has also been removed along with the following lines:
Del: “That’s how you can tell they’re pukka crystal.“
Henry: “Really.“
Del: “Yeah.“
Henry: “Thank-you.“
Del: “Pleasure.“
Guest: “I don’t want you worry you, Henry old man but he actually threw his banana skin in your Ch’ein Lung jardinière.“
Henry: “Good grief.“
Later in the scene, when Dell is tapping his glass, the following has been removed:
Del: “Hear that tone, yeah, great ain’t it. Makes you proud to be British.“
….
Del: “Don’t worry, We’ll pop out later, won’t we?“
Within the conversation about the football box, the following has been cut:
Man: “No, I meant a private box in the new stand!“
Rodney: “No, I’m usually in the shed.“
Man: “Yes, I’ve often seen the chaps in the shed. Looks great fun! I’m a great Dixon fan.“
Dell: “Oh yeah, Which Dixon’s that?“
Man: “Well, Dixon of Chelsea!“
Del: “Him? I’d rather play Dixon of Dock Green! He can’t dribble like Jimmy Greaves could!“
Man: “Well maybe not, but he’s still a fine player. I mean, he’s good in the air!“
Del: “So was Biggles!“
….
The following is cut when Del, Rodney and Henry are talking about Rodney’s sport history:
Henry: “That’s jolly interesting. Rodney, which area of athletics?“
Rodney: “Uh… Well it was…“
Del: “It was all sorts. All sorts, weren’t it, Rodney? It was running and jumping over things and chucking things about. Oh, yeah, all sorts.“
….
Rodney: “Well, It wasn’t actually a university.“
From the scene when Dell explains about Rodney’s drug incident, only two lines remain, the rest has been cut resulting in the following lines being lost:
Del: “No Rodney, no Its important that these good people know the whole truth. … What he was found in possession of, All right, no, they weren’t. They belonged to this Chinese tart. The story, you see that he went down to her room, right to buy her a box of chalks and she said, come in Rodney, have a puff on this. And before you know what happened the old SGB, they burst in and he was caught, band to the rights with a reefer, you know, alla dente! I mean, he was two or three miles away in a black Maria before he even said, like, you know, man or anything like that. Oh yeah. Now, I just wanted you all to know, you know, about his drugs conviction just in case, you know it was ever brought up by the gutter press. You know, I just want you to know that he was done up like a kipper. Weren’t you, eh? All right, Good boy. Anyway, listen, let’s liven the proceedings up a bit, shall we, eh?”
“Eh? A little recitation entitled: “Don’t worry, mother, your son will soon be back. He’s sailing ’round the world in a Grimsby fishing smack! Now, listen, I’ll tell you now… No, that’s the one I’ll tell you… You’ll like this one. Listen. Listen. Ahem. Ready? The boy stood on the burning deck, the water shone like glass. A burning ember flew down his neck and burnt him on the ankle! You thought I was going to say arse, didn’t you?.
That’s the joke, you see? Listen, I’ve got another one. Listen, you’ll like this one. Did you hear about the Irish bloke on a skiing holiday? There’s this Irish bloke, right, and he won a… Won a holiday in a contest of the some sort or another. To go skiing, right? You’ll love this! This is a killer!“
Henry: “TROTTER! I want a word with you outside now!“
Del: “Yeah. All right. All right, Henry, Right, right. I’ll see you later. Now I’ll clinch the deal.
When Vicky asks Rodney if he is still staying overnight, a small line is cut:
Rodney: “No, I’d Best get off home, eh?“
Vicky: “Fine, It was….“
When Rodney and Dell return home, the last cut of the episode occurs:
Rodney: “Why don’t you just stay out of my life?“
The rest of the episode remains in its original form.